Oops...I'm Doing it Again

The Agonies and Ecstasies of Writing a Second Book

Do I really want to do this again? Is it worth it? Do people even read physical books anymore?

Should I start a podcast?

That’s how dark my thoughts became as I quickly descended into a midlife and existential crisis since last spring’s publication of my debut book, DIY: The Wonderfully Weird History and Science of Masturbation.

Publication day came and went, and, eight months later, the whole experience has been…anticlimactic. My life and career didn’t feel any different, but I don’t know what I was expecting. Bestseller lists? Netflix calling wanting to option the book for a docuseries? An invitation to host the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade?

There’s room for one more.

When my phone wasn’t blowing up with offers to write guest columns or to mud wrestle Dr. Phil for a new reality show, I sat around watching sales numbers and reviews trickle in pondering what I was going to do next.

With the abundance of media outlets available to spread the gospel of sexual liberation, I considered them all. Podcasts. YouTube. Social media. But none of them felt authentic.

I wanted to write books.

Since I was a child, I always wanted to be a writer. I loved writing short horror stories as a kid and I wrote a screenplay for a Friday the 13th sequel in the 5th grade. I wrote explicit stories, poems, and research papers in high school that got me sent to the principal’s office. I had a MySpace blog in grad school where I poked fun of the absurdities within sexual politics. And early in my career, I wrote a Dan Savagesque advice column called Scarlet Letters on WordPress. The Q&A column had three readers and all of their last names were Sprankle. 

But the big writing goal has always been to write a book. I built a following on Twitter and Instagram to prove to publishers I have a large platform of fans who laugh at the dick and clit jokes I write. 

The dream eventually became a reality when I signed a book deal with Union Square & Co. in early 2022. I was disciplined and worked on it daily. I lost hair and gained weight. Apparently, a daily task of sitting for hours while snacking on cookies and donuts expands the size of your belly. Who knew?

And finally after a year of writing and a year of editing, DIY was published in March 2024.

I think this is appropriate for NBC morning programming.

Even though things have felt anticlimactic since its publication, in hindsight, writing that book was a lot of fun and I’m ready to write another one.

After several conversations with my literary agent about the topic I’m interested in writing about, I have completed the proposal and I’m currently working on the sample chapter. It will get shopped around to publishers early next year, and more information about this book will be shared here when the contracts are signed.

In the meantime, I want to connect with my readers more. I want to know who my readers even are. Sure, I have 75,000 followers on Instagram, but I do not have 75,000 readers of my writing. Social media doesn’t allow for that kind of connection or depth. It’s often superficial and mindless consumption.

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Eggplant emoji. 

I wanted to start a Substack to go deeper and to cultivate a following of readers who want to do the same. A platform for those who want more than a quick retort to a televangelist’s nonsense (don’t worry, that will still occur on my Instagram). 

This medium will allow me to write 500- to 1000-word articles about sexual topics that are catching my attention. I will write about writing. And since I’m back to using my old blog’s name, Scarlet Letters, maybe in the future I’ll occasionally write some advice-y stuff from submitted questions to help you have better sex. Or worse sex. Or for you just to tell your partner what you want and question why are you asking me? Oh, now I remember why I stopped writing advice. 

So as I wait for Hoda Kotb, Savannah Guthrie, or Al Roker to call me before Thanksgiving, the best way to support me is just read what I’m writing. Be sure you have a copy of DIY and subscribe to this Substack so you stay informed about my pessimistic views of the state of sexuality and get the latest updates on the progress of my new book. 

Thanks for being here. I love most of you.